The First Day of the Rest of My Life

I wrote this one year ago. The date was September 26th, 2010. 
This is how I felt. This was my life. I've decided it's time to share it :


SEPTEMBER 26th, 2010. The First Day of The Rest of my Life. 

So I have a secret. I've been keeping it for years. It's not a bad secret, not a "post-secrets" kind of secret. It's a dream. It's like something that i haven't had the nerve to share with anyone.

I have always wanted to run.

There it is. I said it. I have wanted to be a runner for a long time now. I always have kind of felt like this will happen someday,and that I understood it.That it would someday be a part of my life.
I have always looked with envy on people running down the street with such conviction, such determination, such drive, and wanted to be there, to be that fit, to be that strong.

And yet, I always thought it to be "someday". Not today, not tomorrow, not next week Thursday. Someday. And I realize that's pretty random. And I realize that "someday" is not an actual date.
Which is why last night it came to me, in the version of a Youtube video. I watched Bendoeslife. And I was stunned, I was inspired, I was ready.I made a choice to finally do it. To just freakin do it already. I have decided many many times before. It's time to do something about it. The time is now.

However, those thoughts never come to fruition.

I have just realized that thoughts have to turn into actions, even if they :
~make you uncomfortable
~don't come at the right time of year
~don't come at the right time of your life
~make you look stupid
~make you sweat and be gross

It will never ever be the "right time". Ever. So the time is now. I am going to go for my very first ever run tonight. I am going after supper tonight, and I will admit I am scared as heck. I am scared I will be embarrassed, that people will see me and think I'm a fat girl running. That people will think thoughts about me, that I can't control.
The ironic thing is, that's already happening. People already think I'm fat. They do. They see me every day, and I can't control what they are thinking. There's nothing I can do about that. The only thing I can do is to change myself, and what I think about me. I know who I am inside, I know what I have looked like in the past, and I know what I am capable of.  I know who I am in my dreams, and I am not the fat girl. I am
thin and beautiful.

I want to match who I am on the inside, to the outside.

I will start tonight. I will look stupid. And I will probably hate it. I will hate it so much, but I will try again, and try again, until I hate it just a little, and until I dont hate it much at all , and until I just barely start to like it. And then I will do it until I like it a little bit more.

This is why i am writing this down. I don't want to give up. I have done that before.
This time I want to win.