Seats at the Mall and Other Embarrassments

This is an email I wrote to a friend. Very real...very not funny.
But this is how I felt, Re: Seats at the Mall
October 2010. 



So it made me sad to read your note, but not for the  reasons you think. I actually so get it.

I often feel like seats have  gotten smaller, (really?) and it ticks me off, because I know that's not true. The ones at the Pen Centre, in the food court are the worst. I seriously can't  fit in them. The stupid twisty ones with the bars on the sides. Argh !  I am so embarrassed that I dont ever say anything to the person I'm with. Like Garry or my mom-in-law. And so I tolerate sitting in it, while it cuts off my thigh and circulation for  like 40 minutes.
It sucks. Large.

And while I'm at it, I will say that I have realized that no pillow or blanket is ever going to hide the fact that I'm  fat. That I can't hide behind other people in a picture and have everyone  be "tricked" (oooh, I'm so smart!)  into thinking im not fat. Seriously, people KNOW already.

So then why the heck do I  give a s*** about being "too embarrassed" to have people see
my exercising ???? WHYYYY ??

I know. It doesn't make sense. We've fooled ourselves into thinking that when we don't look at it, it doesn't exist. If there are no photos to prove it, we aren't fat.
I know, this seems really stupid when I say it out loud.
But I do believe that God had graced us with a coping mechanism (however ridiculous it seems) in order to deal with the cold hard facts that otherwise would hurt us so deeply.
We can pretend all we want to that it doesn't bother us. That it doesn't consume every part of our day. That we wouldn't change it in a second if we could snap our fingers.
Fat is such an emotional thing. And to deny it is the only way you can survive it.